I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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