You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
