Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
