I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
