i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
