I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
