watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
