We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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