I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
