I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
