Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
