he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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