Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
