you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
