The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
