Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
