I wish I could punch you in the face.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
