Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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