We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
