if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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