woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
