I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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