I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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