She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Randomize
