I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
