remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
