I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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