Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
