Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
