i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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