do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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