do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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