Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
