respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am midnight drunk by noon
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
