sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
