dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
