remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
do nipples grow back?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
