So drunk its hurt
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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