We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
im on a boat
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