what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
