If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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