she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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