He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
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It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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