I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
