I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
