Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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