Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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