i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
