Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
