Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
