I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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