upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
