Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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