I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
