New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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