I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
