you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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