my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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