This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
